


Universal Coping Mechanisms

by future_fangirl_librarian



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Blupjeans if you squint, Canon Trans Character, Differences in Biology, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Friendship, Gen, Luume'irma, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Menstruation, The ladies bond over chocolate and suffering, discussion of menstruation, pre-legato
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 09:14:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15771093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/future_fangirl_librarian/pseuds/future_fangirl_librarian
Summary: When a "special visitor" pays a visit to 3 of the IPRE crew members at once, Lup copes the only way she knows how, by baking.Inspired by interstellarvagabond's luume'irma headcannon.





	Universal Coping Mechanisms

**Author's Note:**

> If you are not familiar with the luume'irma headcannon you can read the explanation post here: http://interstellarvagabond.tumblr.com/post/168314196059/luumeirma-fact-post.
> 
> I tried to make Lucretia's language in the fic not completely stuck in a gender binary when she is talking about human biology but I also felt phrases like "assigned female at birth" didn't really fit the setting/weren't necessarily phrases she would know. So long story short Lucretia is trying and I think it comes across in the fic. I apologize in advance if anyone is displeased by her choice of words. 
> 
> Also, Lup is physically and socially transitioned in this fic.

Lucretia walked into the kitchen to see Lup working on dinner by herself. She hurried around the kitchen to tend to serval pots at once, all while also chopping up vegetables on a cutting board at the counter.  Taako and Lup usually made dinner together, but Taako had retreated to his room in the middle of breakfast, saying that he wasn’t feeling well, and Lucretia had not seen him since.

“Do you want some help?” Lucretia asked.

“That would be fantastic,” Lup responded, “Can you take over cutting up this celery?” Lucretia approached the cutting board and retrieved the knife from Lup which she handed off carefully, then returned to the stove to stir one of the pots. They work in companionable silence for a couple of minutes and then Lup looked over at the cutting board and shouted, “Lucretia, you’re cutting the pieces too big! The mouthfeel is going to be all wrong.” Lup rushed back over to the cutting board and took the knife back from Lucretia while pushing her out of the way with her hip.

“Well you didn’t specify how you wanted them cut,” Lucretia retorted.

“I know,” Lup sighed. She made quick work of finishing the celery and then turned to look Lucretia in the eyes. “I’m sorry Lucy. Taako left me to cook dinner for the whole crew by myself and… my “special visitor” is in town, so I’m a little on edge. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“Oh,” Lucretia said, her brow wrinkled in confusion, “I hadn’t realized. I was under the impression that elven biology differed from humans.”

“It does, that’s actually what I’m talking about. My luume'irma. What did you think I was talking about?”

“Ah yes, luume’irma,” Lucretia said remembering the basic biology class she had taken at the academy, “My apologies, the wording you use for it in Common, I thought you were talking about menstruation.”

    “Lucy, I’m going to be straight with you… I have no idea what you’re talking about. Biology is kind of a bore, so I didn’t really pay attention in that class. You, Magnus, and Barry are the first humans Taako and I ever really got close to. This crew is the first…people Taako and I really got close to, “Lup said.

“Okay, I’ll explain, but first let’s try not to burn dinner,” Lucretia said with a smile.

“Right,” Lup said and quickly they were finished with the prep work and dinner was in the oven.

“Ok, hit me with this human biology lesson,” Lup said, the corner of her lip turning up in amusement at the fact that their chronicler is going to explain biology to her.  They were sitting at the kitchen table so that they could keep an eye on dinner.

“Ok,” Lucretia said, unsure of where to start, “So, humans born female have a reproductive cycle of about 28 days. During the beginning part of the cycle the uterus -the womb- will build up it's lining with blood in order to nourish a possible child.  Around the half-way point in the cycle an egg will be released into the womb to be fertilized, and if the egg is not fertilized, it and all of the tissue built up on the uterine walls will be disposed of by the body.”

“disposed of, as in…?” Lup asked, looking at Lucretia suspiciously because what she _thinks_ is the obvious answer cannot be the _actual_ answer.

“Well there’s no delicate way to put this,” Lucretia said, “I just sort of…leaks out.”

“Out of…” Lup says pointing at her crotch and leaving the end of the sentence hanging in the air.

“Yup.”

“For how long?”

“About a week. Anywhere from 3-7 days is normal.”

“Does it hurt?”

“Sometimes. The uterus moves the fluid out by contracting, which can sometimes be painful.  People who menstruate also sometimes experience other uncomfortable symptoms like headaches, changes in mood, tiredness, and bloating. Mine are better now but were pretty painful when I was a young girl.”

“Wait… this happened to you when you were a kid?” Lup said in shock.

“Not quite a child, but it starts when humans born female start to mature physically. I was 12 when it happened for the first time,” Lucretia said matter-of-factly.

“12! At least elven biology has the courtesy to let you live two full decades before giving you funny feelings in your nether region.” Lup said.

“Humans don’t live as long as elves, and humans born female, in the grand scheme of things, only have a small window of time before the whole process stops and they can no longer have children.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Lup said with a sigh, “either way Lucy, you win. I thought a week of feeling perpetually horny and feverish and scatter-brained once a decade was rough but having parts of your body slowly leak out of you once a month sounds awful.”

   “Just like you and your luume'irma, you learn to live with it.” Lup gives a shrug and a somewhat affirmative sounding noise in response. They sit there in silence for a few beats before Lup’s eyes light up and she bolts from the room into the hallway leading to the sleeping quarters.

From down the hall Lucretia hears Lup shout, “Open up Taako, you’re not going to believe this!” Lucretia hears the sound of Taako’s door opening to let Lup in and then close.

Serval moments later she hears Taako shout _Gross-a-runi_ so loudly that other crewmembers come from other parts of the ship to see what the commotion is about.

***

After dinner, Lucretia hangs around the dining room to help Lup clean up. Once they cleared the table and washed all of the dishes Lup took one of the clean plates and started making up a plate for Taako, who once again did not join the rest of the crew for their meal.

“So, is Taako’s ‘special visitor’ also in town? Is that why he’s been locked away in his room?” Lucretia asked.

“Yeah, with his particular equipment, let’s just say it’s extremely difficult for him to conceal the fact that he’s aroused. He doesn’t want to crew to see him like that, so he locked himself in his room. He says he meditating, but I wasn’t born yesterday,” Lup laughs and Lucretia joins in with a small chuckle that she tries to hide behind her hand, “What about you Lucy? When is your suffering supposed to begin?”

“Oh, um…. It’s ….in progress.”

“That’s it,” Lup says as she almost throws the plate she was holding down, “I’m making a cake. A chocolate cake.”

Lucretia laughs, “Glad to hear some coping mechanisms are universal.” Lup brings Taako his plate and returns shortly after to begin constructing her cake.  Once she puts the cake in the oven the smell of chocolate slowly spreads throughout the ship, causing various crew members to emerge for their corners of the ship.  

Magnus is the first to poke his head around the door frame of the kitchen, “Do I smell cake?”

“Yes,” Lup said as she stirred icing, “A chocolate bundt cake to be exact.”

“What’s the occasion?” Magnus asked as he tried to steal some of the icing from the side of the bowl, which Lup quickly swatted his hand away to intercept.

“Lucy, Taako, and I are suffering,” Lup responded without any further explanation.

“What’s happened? Did you guys walk in on Merle with the potted plants again?” Magnus offered.

“WE SAID WE WERE NEVER SPEAKING OF IT AGAIN,” Lup roared, “But no, Taako and I are being punished by our biology for not having stunningly beautiful elf partners to make beautiful elf babies with, and Lucy is bleeding because she doesn’t want to make babies with any of you chuckle-fucks.”

“Lup!” Lucretia half shouted and blushed.

“What?” Lup asked defensively.

“In human culture, these things aren’t usually discussed in mixed company”

“Why?” Lup asked turning towards Lucretia so that she could fully appreciate her look of confusion.

“Because the subject tends to make men uncomfortable,” Lucretia returns, gesturing at Magnus who did indeed look uncomfortable.

“That’s dumb,” Lup said returning to her icing. Despite the slight awkwardness, Magnus did join Lucretia at the kitchen table to wait for the cake to be finished.

The next crew member to investigate the delicious smell was Merle.

“Something smells good in here,” He said as he entered the kitchen.

“Lup’s baking a chocolate cake,” Lucretia explained.

“Did someone die?” Merle asked.

“No, I would obviously make a yellow cake if someone had died because that is a sad cake,” Lup said as if that was something the rest of the present company should have known. Merle just shrugged and joined his two crewmates at the kitchen table. Davenport came into the kitchen to express his concern that making a cake on a whim was not a responsible use of their limited food supply, and Lup responded by shooting him a deadly glare and informing him that the cake was necessary to ensure the continued safety of the other members of the crew.  

Davenport mumbled, “carry on,” and went back to his office.

Barry was the next person to come investigate the goings-on in the kitchen. “Well, it’s a party in here,” he said seeing that a majority of the crew was currently in the kitchen, a rare sight outside of meal times.

“Lup is baking a cake,” Magnus said.

“What kind of cake?” Barry asked.

“Chocolate.”

“Oh good, so no one died,” Barry replied which caused Lup to turn around and gesture at Barry as if to say: _See? This man gets it._ Barry walks up beside Lup to steal some icing from the bowl. Lup lets him, because he’s Barry. Magnus is too busy talking to Merle and Lucretia to notice.

“So it’s that time of the decade, huh?”

Lup looks up from her icing at Barry, “Wha- How did you know?”

“Because mid-way through our 10th cycle Taako locked himself in his room for a week to ‘meditate’ while you decided that since we landed on a planet with civilization and therefore easy access to ingredients that you were going to perfect the art of making souffles. By the third day you had already made a dozen souffles and when I asked you what inspired your souffle mission you looked me dead in the eyes and said, ‘I bake when I’m sexually frustrated’.”

“Well ‘meditation’ has never quite done it for me,” she looked back down at the icing as she realized what she had just said to Barry. But she figured since she had already said that much she should finish the thought, “It’s just not the same as the real deal.”

“Well then…” Barry mumbled and looked down at his shoes. Then the oven timer went off and saved them both. Barry joined the others at the table while Lup retrieved the cake from the oven.    

She had just finished icing the cake when Taako slinked into the kitchen in baggy shorts and a t-shirt that said _I’m the hot twin_.

“Well, well, well, look who decided to join us,” Lup said before even looking up from her work to see him enter the room. Lucretia did not believe in twin telepathy before she met the twins, but now she’s watched it in action on many occasions.

“Well, I smelled you baking and I wanted to come out here and make sure you weren’t fucking it up,” Taako quipped.

If that were any other person Lup wouldn’t have let them get away with that, but this was Taako, so all she said in response was, “Too late for that bubelah, it’s already done.” Taako joined Magnus, Merle, Lucretia, and Barry at the table as Lup came over with the cake.  Lup began cutting the cake, purposely serving Lucretia, Taako, and herself first as Magnus watched impatiently. Just to mess with him further she served Barry next, the eager anticipation in his eyes changing quickly to disappointment as the piece was placed in front of Barry instead of himself. Then is quickly changed back to childlike excitement when the next piece was placed in front of him. Merle was served last and Lup was finally able to sit down and enjoy the fruits of her labor. They ate in silence for a few minutes, all of them too wrapped up in enjoying the cake to talk.  

 Merle broke the companionable silence, “Are we going to talk about the fact that Taako is wearing basketball shorts?”


End file.
